Time for another Tired Daddy guest post – this time from @amytweetedthis. Amy is neither a daddy or a mummy, however I thought that her thoughts on life as a 30 year old woman about to get married might ring a chord with some of you out there. I know Amy would love to hear what you think, so do get in touch via the comments below or on twitter.
Amy… over to you…
I am neither a parent, nor a blogger (though I am tired). So it’s an odd choice I know, letting me post on award winning mummy blogging site* Tired Daddy. I am however, a potential pre-parent, or at least that’s how some people look at me(/my womb) now. I’d rather they didn’t.
And this is the crux of my post. This year, I turned 30 and accepted a marriage proposal from my wonderful boyfriend of four years, to the audible relief of our families. A happy, weirdly still-not-feeling-grown-up time, my boyfriend and I are putting the plans in place for a NYE wedding, with plenty of our personalities stamped all over it. It’s a huge, exciting moment for us and all our focus is on that.
I won’t even foray into the unexpected ructions that the wedding itself has caused (-saving it for my therapist), but for some, it isn’t so much a continuation of our relationship, commitment and love, but merely the gateway to BABY TIME.
Before we were even engaged we came home one Christmas to one parent (who shall remain nameless) knitting booties next to a ‘Baby’s First Christmas’ bauble. Just in case. Another informed my boyfriend the very first time they met that they wanted a grandchild before their next major birthday. Less than one year away at that time. The same offender later explained to me that if I didn’t think my bf was going to marry me, maybe I should just give up and have a baby first (as if I’d been waiting for that permission, clutching copies of My Wedding and tearfully watching re-runs of One Born Every Minute). One even asked me a few years ago if I was sure my eggs would be OK, given how long I was leaving it*.
But now it’s worse, because we are Getting Married which means we are about to Have A Baby. Right? No. Both of us see this in our future, should we be so lucky (and it is luck, despite teenage years stuffed full of fear-mongering teaching differently). But can’t we enjoy our brand-new marriage first? We have seen firsthand now how babies can put pressure on a marriage – it’s unbelievably hard work and maybe we want to have some time together first. And what about the careers we’ve spent years building? I work in PR, not the most family-friendly job. Could I do both? Could he? We also don’t own a home or have any savings, something we’re keen to work on*. All big important questions that we don’t know the answers to yet and would like time to think about, if that’s acceptable.
Finally, what if we do decide to try to start a family together and struggle to conceive? This is a very real fear, and another reason why raised eyebrows if I decline a glass of wine or put on weight (which will happen, given the sheer volume of doughnuts I’m planning on inhaling post-wedding) will not be welcome pressure for the next however many years.
But most importantly, it is none of your business when or if anyone would like to have children. Even if the people you are asking are your own children. Marriage, for us at least, is a joy in its own right and not a formality paving the way to babies.
…goes back to staring at wedding spreadsheets.