Time for another update from our intrepid guest author Dan… well, actually this time it is his 2 week old son Seb who is author. Enjoy….
A Day in the Life of Sebastian:
Why the hell am I listening to this sheep’s heart beat? The damned thing has kept me awake all night. That and the bloody hair dryer noise they seem to think I like. Why? Why would they think that? Ahh, peace. Maybe now I can get some sleep. Nope, here come the big people.
Oh god they are watching me again. What are they staring at? Have I got a bogie or something? At least this time they are not holding a mirror to my mouth. And they wonder why I sleep with one eye open. Wouldn’t you with these incompetent fools in charge? The one with the milk is okay, but the ginger one is useless. Ooh milk lady’s top is coming off, breakfast- nope- wait- the ginger one is taking me to the “TORTURE table”. Get your damn hands off me. Are you this rough cleaning your own bits? I’ll show him. Right, he is reloading on ice-cold, soggy, wet stuff. Unleash the wee. Ha- in your face (literally)! Fair play, it didn’t stop him, it just slowed him down. Milk lady is shouting at him- something about cold air on my willy.
This is more like it. The Milk Machine is taking charge- boob in-coming. Wait, I can’t breathe- a little less pushing my head please. Woah, too much milk, I’m choking, I give up, I’ll tell you what you want to know – just stop. Nah, I’m alright, keep going. Although, if I am being totally honest, I’m just gonna muck about for next the 20 mins- then I might take this a bit more seriously. I might not. I might sleep. I might cry. Who knows?
Looks like it’s time for the man to play dressy up with me again. His mum didn’t give him a doll as a kid clearly. On to white/grey generic outfit number 4. Seriously, what the &&% is going on? Just put some damn clothes on me! Looks like he has settled on the 6-9 months dungarees (I’m 2 weeks old, moron). Milk lady doesn’t look happy. Oops pooped myself. Bet you wish you’d chosen the age appropriate clothes with poppers at bottom. Back to the “torture table”- maybe I didn’t think this through.
OOH. Road trip! Into the magic seat that transports me places. Owww! Too tight, too tight. Hey dude- this is meant to save me not kill me! Milk Lady, get over here (cry). Oh thank god…and breathe. Guess what guys. That’s right, you smelt it! This is going to be a long day….
Finally leaving the house- Wow it’s bright outside- I’m blind Declan, I’m blind. Into the red wheelie thing. Looks like we are off, wonder where we are …..ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Guest Author – Sebastian Steel (age 2 weeks) – Submitted by his Dad, Dan Steel…